defeated..

've said that 'll be away but not for long i guess...

've bought my new uniforms already meaning 'll be on my way to Ite-College-East instead of Rp. Fret not, 'm still interested in my Ite course..so I don't really mind. 4E3 2008 gathering will be held in a few hours time so 'm pretty excited for it. Did I mention that I saw tinggi recently at the mrt..yes, I was actually expecting him to call me a hobbit already, soooo it's like not surprising but yes, it's nice to see him again. Hello Tinggi!(:

Okay so this upcoming rant is all about my life. If you don't want to read long rambling Nana's kind of rant, I suggests you better leave now. Thank you.

Between the period that I was away from the blog sphere, 've learnt and discover a lot about myself meaning I did some soul searching and found that I have something to improve about myself. Me being pessimistic. I always somehow or rather, find nothing good enough about myself, having low self esteem, before or after anyone criticised me directly or indirectly. 'll get really worked up, mentally especially. If you ask about me physically, obviously it's a yes. I never was trained to be negative but that just the way I am. I kept on asking myself what was it that made me so negative and pessimistic. What incident that made me so fragile and tend to cry so easily over a small critic by anyone. When anyone says 'm fat or looked different(read:more chubbier/granny flabby arms), I immediately agreed and stopped eating by that second. I know that critics especially from my sister is meant to just piss me off or whateverherintentionsare, but her little dissing at me made such a huge impact on me that made me cry over it. It's this little darn details that made me realised that life has no happy ending. It's like there's no free dinner because in the end, somebody expects something back or you don't get nothing even if they say it's sincerely from the bottom of their hearts. No 'm not talking about anyone but generally there is a little part of you that will obviously love the starting of a brand new place/person/thing, but it doesn't seem to end in a way that you expect it to be which is very frustrating and in the end, something will hit you on the head and give you a wake up call to stop your act and go back to darn reality. That's mentality to you.

My mum insisted that I look average/okay meaning not fat or thin. Just right. But I over think about this situation and realised that I don't want to be okay, I want to be thin. I don't want to be berisi, I want to be thin. I don't want people to see me as a girl who is just right, it makes me feel fat. I was confused about people's opinion and over think again..so I asked a friend who happens to see things in a boy's opinion and he said that there is no difference between berisi/mampat/average because everything still equals to being fat. There's only fat or skinny in reality so that's the only thing in my mind. From there on, I realised that friends/family who said I was just right or berisi or okay was just lying to make sure I don't do anything drastic to be skinny. Apart from doing regular yoga, sit ups and push ups, I became a bulimic. I don't get why anyone called it an eating disorder because in my part, it seemed normal. Mum threatened to bring me to the hospital to see a psychiatrist if I were to continue being bulimic and obviously I think that was stupid, so I'll have my meals when she's not at home and keep doing it whenver she's out working. I don't see myself as being stupid to be bulimic but I know that a few who, after reading this will be like bullshitting to me but I don't care. At least 'm telling the truth.

've come to a point in my life where nothing matters except for me to succeed in life. I don't expect anymore happy endings in my life anymore, I declined myself to venture out of my comfort zone. I wasn't as sociable as I used to be. I expect better out of those people around me. I expect high expectations from my friends and family. I don't get it how anyone could break the rules but still feel like they did right. Don't they get that the point of rules is to obey them not break them. What's worst is that they don't know that 'm worried about them but they just ignored my advices and 'll admit 'm the last person that you'll want to go to seek advice from but the effort that 've put to care for you is too much that you're too thick-skinned to even notice it. You think that just because I know about your thing, and I just shrugged it off, you can rubbed it in even further till to a point where 'm very disgusted and hearing that just goes to show that I should never judge a book by its cover. Yet after all this had happened, surprisingly they've not learnt their lesson. Yes it's your life, get cocky about it. But don't go to the extent of being potrayed as a arrogant person. Because by then, I won't even admit that I have anything to do w you.