"Due to the overwhelming number of applications received, we regret to inform that your DAE application is unsuccessful."

Obviously 'm super disappointed w this result. But luckily my Ite course is another course that 'm interested in. The main computer had crashed again. So 'm on Mum's laptop. This weekend will be a busy busy busy week.

I still want some darn inspirations
&security.

I need some inspiration.
& a little hope would be great too.
Can't believe confiding in someone could be so complicated.

defeated..

've said that 'll be away but not for long i guess...

've bought my new uniforms already meaning 'll be on my way to Ite-College-East instead of Rp. Fret not, 'm still interested in my Ite course..so I don't really mind. 4E3 2008 gathering will be held in a few hours time so 'm pretty excited for it. Did I mention that I saw tinggi recently at the mrt..yes, I was actually expecting him to call me a hobbit already, soooo it's like not surprising but yes, it's nice to see him again. Hello Tinggi!(:

Okay so this upcoming rant is all about my life. If you don't want to read long rambling Nana's kind of rant, I suggests you better leave now. Thank you.

Between the period that I was away from the blog sphere, 've learnt and discover a lot about myself meaning I did some soul searching and found that I have something to improve about myself. Me being pessimistic. I always somehow or rather, find nothing good enough about myself, having low self esteem, before or after anyone criticised me directly or indirectly. 'll get really worked up, mentally especially. If you ask about me physically, obviously it's a yes. I never was trained to be negative but that just the way I am. I kept on asking myself what was it that made me so negative and pessimistic. What incident that made me so fragile and tend to cry so easily over a small critic by anyone. When anyone says 'm fat or looked different(read:more chubbier/granny flabby arms), I immediately agreed and stopped eating by that second. I know that critics especially from my sister is meant to just piss me off or whateverherintentionsare, but her little dissing at me made such a huge impact on me that made me cry over it. It's this little darn details that made me realised that life has no happy ending. It's like there's no free dinner because in the end, somebody expects something back or you don't get nothing even if they say it's sincerely from the bottom of their hearts. No 'm not talking about anyone but generally there is a little part of you that will obviously love the starting of a brand new place/person/thing, but it doesn't seem to end in a way that you expect it to be which is very frustrating and in the end, something will hit you on the head and give you a wake up call to stop your act and go back to darn reality. That's mentality to you.

My mum insisted that I look average/okay meaning not fat or thin. Just right. But I over think about this situation and realised that I don't want to be okay, I want to be thin. I don't want to be berisi, I want to be thin. I don't want people to see me as a girl who is just right, it makes me feel fat. I was confused about people's opinion and over think again..so I asked a friend who happens to see things in a boy's opinion and he said that there is no difference between berisi/mampat/average because everything still equals to being fat. There's only fat or skinny in reality so that's the only thing in my mind. From there on, I realised that friends/family who said I was just right or berisi or okay was just lying to make sure I don't do anything drastic to be skinny. Apart from doing regular yoga, sit ups and push ups, I became a bulimic. I don't get why anyone called it an eating disorder because in my part, it seemed normal. Mum threatened to bring me to the hospital to see a psychiatrist if I were to continue being bulimic and obviously I think that was stupid, so I'll have my meals when she's not at home and keep doing it whenver she's out working. I don't see myself as being stupid to be bulimic but I know that a few who, after reading this will be like bullshitting to me but I don't care. At least 'm telling the truth.

've come to a point in my life where nothing matters except for me to succeed in life. I don't expect anymore happy endings in my life anymore, I declined myself to venture out of my comfort zone. I wasn't as sociable as I used to be. I expect better out of those people around me. I expect high expectations from my friends and family. I don't get it how anyone could break the rules but still feel like they did right. Don't they get that the point of rules is to obey them not break them. What's worst is that they don't know that 'm worried about them but they just ignored my advices and 'll admit 'm the last person that you'll want to go to seek advice from but the effort that 've put to care for you is too much that you're too thick-skinned to even notice it. You think that just because I know about your thing, and I just shrugged it off, you can rubbed it in even further till to a point where 'm very disgusted and hearing that just goes to show that I should never judge a book by its cover. Yet after all this had happened, surprisingly they've not learnt their lesson. Yes it's your life, get cocky about it. But don't go to the extent of being potrayed as a arrogant person. Because by then, I won't even admit that I have anything to do w you.

I AM STILL ALIVE.

Will be away again for idontknowhowmanydays.
Look up at my facebook for recent events that had already happened.
(read: pictures/videos that people had tagged me.)

xo.

"I will be happy." -the only quote that I will say to myself every time I get up from sleep every single day.

Maybe it had already reached my breaking point, that's why this time I don't really feel remorse about it. Maybe I realised that fourth time isn't a charm anymore or that nothing IS a charm when it has got to do w him...except for his charm. Sooner or later, it will be over hopefully. Mehhh.

Anyways, got up pretty early today....at 1pm. Usually it's 2 or 3pm. Hahahaha. Dad wanted to go to polyclinic to look up about his leg injury, so I decided to be a good daughter and practically bath and dressed nicely to accompany dad to the polyclinic. I was like, v good y'know. I actually registered for his queue number, bought for his health bars for pre-lunch, water and such. Hahahaha, maybe cause' I was in a good mood and pity dad for his swollen leg. If only I had my driving license, 'll be driving the car already but 1 more year onlyyyyy :D. Anyways, after almost 3 hours being there, left for lunner(lunch/dinner) at Teh Tarik. Again, bought the food and drink for Dad. See...told ya I was being a good daughter! Heh. Dropped by Watson to buy my necessities, then homed.

Now, 'm superrrr full just for eating a granola bar& chicken porridge.
Got to redo my brows againnnnn, it's growingggggg :O.
zzzzzzzzz, bye.

Want to see smth that made me laugh my ass off when 'm supposed to be sad and all?
It totally cracked me uppppppppp(:


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TADAAAAA!

To be more embarrassing for them, from left(Myself, Atiqah, Nabilah& Hazwani).
Now what? Open new tab and go their blog to see the comparison la!
:D.

V kental nak mampos kan? Heh. I likeeeeee my hair to be letdown like that lehhhhhh! Cool or what? ^ ^
It was the season when exams are over, and we headed off to Jp for food session. Lol, kental lodeh mcm biscuit.
Okay, muke stop it eh sumer.

V kental right? Heh, but not that v kental right? Want smth more funny?
Y'all ain't ready for this! Like totally okay...
Prepare to laugh till you fall off your chair! HAHAHHAH.



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TADAAAAA!

To be more embarrassing for them, it's the same culprits!!!!!
From left clockwise(Atiqah, Myself, Nabilah& Hazwani).
Now what? Open new tab and go their blog to see the comparison la!
:D.

OMG! KENTALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL biscuit righttttttttt? :O! Haha, okay la I criticise myself only la. I know, v ugly.....heh. Maybe I thought that it was cool to pose like that whaat. Cool right? V pretty indeeedddddddd -.- OMG! HAHAHAHAHA, can't stop laughing laaaa.

What say you? Not kental enough? You want more? No la, till here only that I can post...I have loads more, but later my darling friends will feel embarrassed. So yes, till hereeeeee.

'm still kental as everrrrrrr(in a cool tone), bye.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

"If this isn't love tell me what it is, cause I could be dreaming and just plain crazy. If this isn't love tell me what is, cause I never felt like this. L-o-v-e what is to me?"

I know it's been almost a month since I last update this blog of mine.
It's quite long. Not v current, don't bother to read if you hate long random ramblings.

Erm, watched Slumdog Millionaire w myself and at the v last part when the guy& girl FINALLY reunites at the train station, when the guy kissed the girl's wound at her cheek, tears fall from my eyes. It was the most sweetest gesture ever even though the kiss was at the cheek. It instantly reminded me of me& you. It really did. &whenever I think about it, I was REALLY caught off-guard. I didn't expect it at all. I was obviously happy like fuck that I had stomach cramps and just have difficulty sleeping because of those two things(:

Less is definitely more. Actions do speak louder than words. Maybe I was just in a rush. You wanted to be sure that it felt right, and well in my part, it did. I miss you like fuck. I love you like fuck. What is love? Love is like fuck(:

I feel like 've changed during these few weeks. I became more reserved and don't really talk a lot like I always do, except for when 'm joking around. But yes, I don't feel that excited about life anymore. I wanted to give up during that 2 weeks period because I really miss him but what can I do? I need to do this to prove to myself to see whether I made a mistake by giving my whole soul for him. For the first week, it really hurts because I was almost out for the whole week and I actually saw him in his car driving out of the car park while I was on my way home. So when I told myself that I will stick to the plan, I abandoned the plan to look at him instead just looked down and crossed the road and pretended that I didn't notice him even though I was merely a few metres away from him. I knew he needed space so I didn't contact him because his exams are during the second week but I realised that I didn't wish him good luck on his exams so instead I just prayed for him and hopefully he could have felt that I actually did wished him good luck for his exams in a way. But during the weekend, I was a mess. I didn't do anything productive except for crying silently inside whenever I saw his car pass by. Has he ever thought of me whenever he saw my sister? Has he ever thought of me whenever he talks to my dad? I couldn't be anymore bored at all. I want to talk to my friend but I knew she couldn't offer anything else but sympathy only. I wanted to talk to my mum but I knew she somehow would tell me to expand my social life and not get so caught up w one guy. Same goes to my sister, she will tell me to mingle w other guys. Secretly I think my mum knew that I actually liked him because she kept on and on asking about him whenever we got a chance to go out as a mother/daughter outing. I only respond in lies. I couldn't bare to pour out everything because I don't want my mum to think that I'm so depressed about this. I totally feel like working instead rather than getting cooped up at home so that I would be too busy working and not thinking about him. But I managed to go out of the house in the middle of the night, to have my driving lessons w Dad& Kakak. That definitely helps me calm down and don't get too stressed out w my situation w him. At that point of time, I felt like calling him and telling him that I miss him but I don't want to. I was scared to. I was v bored, I just felt like calling him, wanting to meet him but he's having his exams. Anyways, it did helped a little that Dad, Kakak and myself went out on a night escapade right after driving lessons across the border. I've got to thank A for helping me w my situation a little bit. It somehow helps.

I could go on and on about this topic till my blog causes your computer to jam but no, my second to v last week shall be kept between me, myself& I.

'm happy at times but not everyday or always. Whenever I wake up in the...afternoon everyday, I realised that I have the tendency to want to sleep again because I want myself to dream of 9 letter-name boy but each time I went back to sleep, I didn't dream of him, instead I dreamt of somebody related to him. Not that I was being desperate or anything, but a little glimpse of him will do. But no such luck. I feel like 've been a letdown sometimes. Not directly, but indirectly. Not towards anyone, but towards myself. I made promises/agreements to myself, but in the end, I rebelled towards those promises/agreements that I myself made and vow. Is it just because I wasn't disciplined enough or was I just a weakling to begin w? I realised that in the first place, I shouldn't have made all this nonsenses and in the end, I hurt myself... real bad. I shouldn't blame anyone because they didn't knew that I made this vows/promises/agreements. But those who knew and watched me by the sidelines are probably always shaking their heads and telling among themselves that they think I shouldn't have done it. 've letdown myself, my friends& my cousin. They told me that they hated his ways and translated in malay, Drg tak suka kalau dia asyik buat aku seperti menunggu and menantikan sesuatu yang tidak akan menjadi. Dia selalu memberi aku isyarat tetapi aku tidak faham kalau itu betul-betul isyarat atau hanya pura-pura.
I didn't really understand why they told me to move on or that they hated him or that they think he was stupid enough to not realised that 've fallen for him, but now, maybe I do understand. 've waited and waited, but nothing happens. In the end, I got hurt mentally. I was never this hurt. I could eventually move on easily in the past, but it's like a spell that you've put on me that probably keeps me coming back to you. Back and forth, back and forth, it's still you. Should I listen to my friends& my cousin advice? Move on and never look back? At this point of time, I can't really say anything because I don't want to vow about anything anymore because I know I can never discipline myself to get back to vowing a matter. I think nature shall take its course and I know 'm in no control over my life except for making decisions.

Besides being quiet at times, I still do spend time w my family& the boys. Random meet ups are still the best. For almost the whole week, I spent some qt w my mum which was nice because I got to eat at the places where we thought of it randomly, and of course what's a mother/daughter qt without a little shopping? (:

've been maintaining my weight but 've definitely gain more fats to my cheeks and bodyyyyy. I am getting chubbier, and on top of that, it includes my baby fats from when I was still little. So now fats + baby fats = MEGAAAA CHUBBY! :S. But every night, 'll do sit ups, push ups& try to perfect my splits which is just a few inches away from its perfect split. Stupid back leg.

If you didn't know, 'm suffering from an eating disorder. The first letter from the word starts w a letter B and ends w an A. After this, you should know what 'm suffering from. Till now, no one knows about it, not even my cousin or sister or mother. I rather this context shall be kept as here and here only, so please don't go around telling others about this.

Anywayssss, many readers/friends/blogger/whoeveryouarelaeh have been asking me who the hell is 9 letter-name boy/bacin is. It's actuallyyyyyyy......the same as C.B/Charming Boy but I just changed it for the fun of it la! -.- So to clear things up, C.B/Charming Boy/Bacin/9 letter-name boy IS still the same oldddd guy who picked me up after Graduation Night. Stop asking already okay? Okay best.

Another random topic, Mother is getting agitated w my social life. I mean like, 'm the kind of person who knows when to have fun and when not to have fun. So when 'm having fun, she hates the idea of me being w the boys late at night. Then she'll go on out about w the relatives saying that 'm getting wilder and being more impious. Like it's not as if I go out everyday w them. Once in a while, and if 'm not going out, 'll be at home, folding clothes, cleaning my room, doing the dishes. So it's v irritating, and if no one picks up the home phone, she'll call my mobile and rants on about why I didn't inform her that I was out whereas it was merely just a trip to the store downstairs. Pfft.

During this MIA period, I kindaaaa was away from the blogging world only la, but not in reality...like duh. Have I changed? Yes, physically. I'm a black head right now. No more red/brown haired Syafiqa. Seriously. But 'm still a 152cm. Mentally? Sort of. Have I moved on? Trying to. Am I happy? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. So this means 'm still the sameeeee, only quieter. Yes, 'm not really that crazy like I used to be. Okay bye.

9 letter word- name w a space, hyphen and a apostrophe,
standing at 175cm,
killer smile and charm,
wtffffffffffffff(!), i miss you like Oprah's prediction that Chris Brown will hit Rihanna again,
Yes, i miss you thaaaat bad.
Argh.

xoxo.

Chalet was zzzzzzz....refreshing because I got to go out of the house and be happy w the sarcastic bunch of friends. No pictures were taken cause I wasn't in the mood to take pictures instead eat eat eat. I swear that the prawns were so nicely barbequed that I ate like 5 or 6 of them? I know, I know..fat. But it was a bbq chalet whaaaaat. Heh.

From the jokes to funny story-telling to seeing Zal acting as if he was drunk to eating the otahs/prawns/lambchops/chickenchops/chickens to drinking honeydews/root beers to seeing Sol dancing weirdly to the songs that the chalet next to us was blasting to playing of the xbox w Ian, Uzair& Farahin to laying down on the matress that was brought down from the 2nd storey at the front of the tv w everyone be it boy or girl to watch Final Destination 3 at total darkness to sighing at the sight of people sleeping after FD 3 finished to walking at the beach w Farahin, Ierfan, Min& Azri at almost 3am to randomly talk about any topic while sitting on the bench opposite the breezy sea to walking back to the chalet at 430am to quickly sleeping on a single bed w Farahin next to Murni& Izwan on the other single bed to waking up at 9am and still feel sleepy to bathing w Farahin at 10am to checking out at 1030am to eating brunch at Burger King Outlet w MacD meal to taking a one stop bus ride to Pasir Ris Interchange to taking the long train ride from Pasir Ris till Lakeside to alighting w the boys and saying goodbye to Farahin to bidding byes w the boys again to walking up the bridge w the green umbrella on my hand to going home to eating crackers to sleeping for 4 hours to waking up at 9pm to eating crackers w orange juice to surfing the net to blogging right now. Thanks to Ian for inviting me(:


xoxo.